The temple we carved from stone and dragged to Burning Man.
LIE
This is the tale of the stupid girl and the three margaritas that led to the DWI and put me behind bars in Wackenhut’s finest, where ketchup is a food group and blankets are scarce. Since then I’ve paid huge fines and lost my driver’s license. I’ve been piss-tested, psychologically screened, appeared before a panel of MADD (oh joy) and attended what I affectionately call drunk school.
This class led by the Big Fat Christian was conveniently located near the Albuquerque turnoff on I-25 and a bargain at a mere $125. For three weekends we sat and listened to the big fat Christian’s groan worthy anecdotes and repetitive lectures, repeat after me “I’m a very bad person and I’ll never do it again”. The only time we all pricked up our ears was when he informed us that normal people don’t drink to get drunk. Really? You could’ve fooled me, I’m English and that’s exactly what we do.
Usually after work on Fridays and sometimes we stay that way until Monday.
Now I know what you’re thinking so I’d just like to say I take full responsibility for my reckless behavior but, that said, the psych screening and resulting assessment was an experience so amusingly awful it’s almost worthy of being named with its own syndrome.
This horrifying multiple choice test must have been created by some charisma bypass case tucked away somewhere behind his white picket fence with his two point five. There were 130 questions, some of which made me snort out loud while the rest made my toes curl with righteous indignation.
Starting with:
What is your current marital status?
I searched but the word single was conspicuously absent. From the eight options offered I circled ‘never been married’ and immediately felt judged.
Using the scale below where 1 is the very worst and 9 the very best, select the number that best reflects your feelings about your marital status. I put down 9 because, after all, I’ve never made the wrong choice with acrimonious results.
During the past year how many months have you worked full time? In the past three years how many full time jobs have you held? This question kept reappearing and in all honesty I had to answer none. Actually I have three jobs but they’re all part time.
How do you feel about the employment status you selected? Well 9 again of course, I like my life, the diversity and the freedom to enjoy living in Ojo Caliente without a daily commute. So the grilling continued while I, silly goose that I am, insisted on being truthful.
Now, I would like to pose to you the following questions that appeared on the test in order of silliness and ask that you answer them honestly:
- Are your table manners at home as good as when you eat out at a restaurant?
- Do you find it difficult to get along with loudmouthed bossy people?
- Have you ever played like you were sick to get out of something?
- Do you like to gossip at times?
- Have you ever taken a pencil from your workplace?
- Do you sometimes feel angry when you don’t get your way?
- Have you ever had doubts about your ability to succeed in life?
- Have you ever intensely disliked anyone?
- Do you ever feel like smashing things?
- Do you look before you flush?
Okay, so I made the last one up, but really – how did you do? If you answered NO to any of the above, you’re either a saint or you’re lying, which is what I should’ve done.
Now, fast forward two weeks to the court appointed psychiatrists office and my assessment. Contained within is a summary called ‘Severity of Need Problem’ and on this chart zero is the desired result, meaning ‘no need’, while 21+ means ‘in severe need of help’. The grey area in between is also undesirable.
Have you got your incongruity hat on?
Inappropriateness: 11
This person displays an inappropriate or naïve attitude toward the test items and her current situation.
Test-taking attitude score: 23
This person’s test-taking attitude score is somewhat elevated from the average, which suggests an inclination to appear in a favorable light. This would be a typical score for situations where respondents skew their answers favorably.
(In other words, I lied)
Emotional Stability: 12
She reports some emotional vulnerability that may be interfering with other areas of her life.
Personal Relationships: 7
This is a 41 year old childless individual who has never been married yet she rates single life as positive.
By now tears were squirting out of my face and I was gasping with the unfairness of it all. Then, at last, a ray of hope:
Basic problem solving and reading skills: 0
Alas, a ray of hope too soon:
This person has had less than 12 years of formal education. This persons reading and/or problem solving skills may need to be evaluated further.
And that is where zero and I parted company.
Employment Assessment: 15
This is a 41 year old female employed part time. This person reports 0 months of full time employment during the past year and 0 months during the past 3 years. She rates her current employment situation as positive. This person has had 0 jobs during the past 3 years.
Referral to out-patient treatment is recommended!
I am, as it turns out, a total fuck-up. In fact they should make a Shwarzenegger movie about me called Total Fuck-up.
I left with my thumb in my mouth and a piece of paper ordering me to weekly therapy sessions. Me, the person who came up with the bumper sticker ‘Therapy is for people who don’t have good friends.’ At the time of writing this I am about to embark on 48 hours of community service. This entails picking up trash whilst sporting a cap of various colours so that drivers can tell what crime you’ve committed, PINK for drinking and driving and (far worse) BROWN for sex offenders. Forgive me, but just the thought makes me want to emigrate to avoid it. So, if you see me in my little pink hat picking up trash, give a wave, and whatever you do… don’t drink and drive.
cultoferic 